The Bro Code
by Ficcipedia
Summary: "Where do get this crap, Kinneas?" Seifer snorted. "It's not crap, Almasy," Irvine retorted. "It's the Bro Code." "The bro what?" Squall echoed incredulously. "The Bro Code," Irvine repeated proudly.


Obligatory Disclaimer: You're only going to see this once, and once only, because I am only going to admit this once, and once only-The characters, locations, and objects and whatever else in here is property of Squaresoft-OOPS, I mean Squarenix. And the Bro Code is property of Barney Stinson of "How I Met Your Mother" and Neil Patrick Harris's talent.

Bro Code of Conduct taken from "How I Met Your Mother", which is highly recommended!

**The Bro Code  
**Ficcipedia

**Article #1: Bros Before Hoes**

Squall emitted a subtle, primal growl as he slumped into the seat across from Irvine and sulked with a slight frown on his face. He honestly believed he was in the right; after all, he hadn't done anything wrong! Granted, he wasn't exactly the shining example of a perfect boyfriend, but at least he was decent.

Wasn't he?

His scowl deepened.

Irvine, on the other hand, snickered at his friend's rare display of emotion and covered his thin smile with his coffee cup. The same thing happened every month like clockwork. The six of them (them being Squall, Rinoa, Quistis, Zell, Selphie, and himself) always met in the cafeteria every morning for breakfast before going on with their busy schedules, but during this time of the month, havoc wreaked.

Squall and Rinoa would get into a petty argument and both would be too stubborn to admit they were wrong and apologize until a third party (usually Selphie and Zell) intervened. Quistis _always_, without fail, had term papers and tests (sometimes midterms or finals) to grade and would consequently disappear from breakfast for the time being. Selphie had designated the third week of every month to do maintenance work on the Ragnarok, which she recently decided to call the "Laguna Rocks". That, of course, confused everybody.

But the one affected the most by every month's Hell Week was Zell. He depended heavily on Squall and Quistis to be capable of doing their jobs effectively so that _he_, who the commander had designated as third in the chain of succession, would not have to do any commanding aside from his position as Director of Close Combat. Unfortunately for him, Quistis became preoccupied every month and Squall incapacitated with stubbornness due to his one-track mind.

So what did the blond usually do? Seek the guidance of Irvine and Selphie, stalk a blank Squall with relentless questions, and make a mess of the meticulous commander's files.

"What's wrong this time, Squall?" Irvine asked, tipping the brim of his hat above his eyes.

"Not _me_," the commander replied, leaning his back against the chair and crossing his arms stiffly. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"So what _did_ you do?"

Squall rolled his eyes as he replayed the scene in his head. "Rinoa went shopping for a dress yesterday for the upcoming SeeD banquet. She asked if she looked fat in it."

"Oh, Squall, tell me you didn't…"

"I didn't!" Squall protested gruffly, annoyed that the whole ridiculous situation had gotten an exclamation out of him. "I told her she looked beautiful."

"I don't get it then."

"Neither do I. I thought that was what she wanted me to say. She just ended up getting angry and yelling something about how I was lying and how I sucked and that I was a meanie."

Irvine chuckled. At least Squall learned something from the previous month's quarrel; never tell a woman she looked fat in anything.

"There you are!" a familiar voice called.

Zell ran up to the two and settled himself into a chair before fanning several manilla folders onto the table with a panicked look in his eyes. "Some lady called asking about the status of her husband's request and I can't find the damn file! I know it's in Dollet, and I know the group is the Dollet Dolphins… or something…"

"You mean the people that glue sand to their body and picket around the shore going 'Dolphins are friends, not prey! Save the Dolphins'?" Irvine queried, making a twirling motion with his index finger near his ear.

"Yeah them."

"It's in the desk," Squall told him flatly, taking no interest in Zell's plight.

"Of course! The desk!" Without another word, Zell leaped to his feet and gathered the irrelevant files into his arms. Mentally chiding himself for completely disregarding the most obvious place, he turned towards the exit and felt his left elbow collide with a solid object.

"Hey, watch it, Chicken-wuss!"

"Shut up, stupid… flan-for-brains!" Zell retorted automatically to Seifer's quip, completely ignoring the fact he hit the other man first.

"Oooh, ouch, your words are too educated for me!" Seifer snickered, pulling up the chair next to the sulking Squall. "Learning your insults from the messenger girl now, little chicklet-wuss?"

"No!" Zell huffed, instantly regretting how childish it came out. "Fuck you, Seifer. I don't have time for this."

"Going back to the henhouse?"

"The commander's office!"

Seifer burst out laughing and pointed his finger at Zell cynically. "You're playing secretary?" he choked out between spurts of laughter. "So… basically… you're Leonhart's bitch now!"

Beside himself with anger, Zell slammed the files onto the table roughly, ignoring the flurry of papers and questioning stares around the room. He wasn't anybody's slave, and he wasn't about to let his chief tormentor get away with calling him one. "You shouldn't be the one talking, lapdog! I'm only doing this because Squall needs me to! Right, Squall?"

Despite Zell's glance telling him to say something supportive, Squall grimaced. He just didn't understand it. Last month, Rinoa had asked the exact same question, and Squall had given her an honest answer. She got mad. This month, he gave her an honest answer. She still got mad. It made no sense. _Why do women even ask that question if they don't want to know the truth? Maybe the clothes only make you _look _fat because you _are_ fat. Doesn't that make sense? Besides, Rinoa isn't fat. I don't get women. How can they just imagine fat that's not even there? It's ridiculous._

"Squall!" Zell repeated, shooting Irvine a quick look of confusion.

"What's wrong, Chicken? You need the Head Hen's help?"

"That's it!" Zell balled his hands into fists at his sides and brought them up into a stance in front of his chest. "It's on, Seifer! You, me, training center! Now!"

"Bring it, wuss," Seifer provoked, smirking as he flicked the fingers of his right hand in a 'bring it on' motion and laid the other hand on the hilt of Hyperion.

"Geez, Squall!" Irvine called, waving a hand in front of a pair of glazed blue eyes. This was a first; the monthly disturbance had been going on for a year, and nothing like this had happened. Never mind that dueling was forbidden in Garden and punishable by expulsion (or revocation of status in Zell's case). Was the commander paying attention? Not in the slightest.

"I'm gonna punch that stupid smirk off your face!"

"I didn't know you could use your wings like that!"

"SQUALL!" Irvine called again, using one hand to hold onto Zell's right arm and the other to shake Squall's shoulder.

"Let go, Irvine!" Zell protested.

"Give it up, cowboy," Seifer sneered, his chin hovering just above Zell's angry glare. "The lights are on but nobody's home."

Unable to contain his urge any longer, Zell cocked back his left arm. If Irvine wasn't going to let him go, then he was just going to have to battle it out here.

Right before Zell prepared to shoot his fist forward, the clicking sound of short, concise footsteps echoed around the cafeteria. He paused and watched as the raven-haired girl walked very deliberately up to their table.

"Squall," Rinoa greeted, her tone cold and words carefully spoken. "When you decide to apologize, I'll be at the dorm. And when you do," she pursed her lips into a small smile and slowly leaned into Squall's ear, where her whisper sent chills down his spine with each brush of her lips. When she was finished, she stalked away without a word to anyone else.

Squall's eyes were wide. He blinked blankly before looking at Irvine, whose grip on Zell had loosened. Zell's fist was still in position to launch a blow, but the martial artist had lost interest in his opponent. Seifer's grip on Hyperion's hilt had weakened, and he raised a questioning eyebrow. The three of them were all looking at Squall like he had sprouted another head.

"Um," Squall cleared his throat uncomfortably. He didn't like being the center of attention, and he was in a hurry to leave for more than one reason. He rose out of his seat, but Irvine suddenly pushed him back down. He glared at the sharpshooter.

"Nuh uh, Squall," Irvine scolded, shaking his head. "You can't go, man. Zell and Seifer were gonna get into a fight, and all you can think about is getting some a-"

"What's your point, Irvine?" Squall interrupted, darting his gaze around awkwardly.

"My point is," Irvine continued, giving Squall a curt tip of the hat, "Bros before hoes, my man."

"Uh, what?" Zell questioned, using the arm he had cocked to scratch the back of his head puzzledly.

"Bros before hoes!" Irvine repeated, pushing the palm of his hand down repeatedly, indicating to the glaring Squall to calm down because he wasn't finished yet. "I'm not calling Rinoa a ho, I'm just telling you guys the golden rule of bros around the world: your bros come first, your girl comes second."

"I still don't get it," Zell admitted, sitting down ashamedly.

"This is bullshit," Seifer snorted, taking the chair next to Squall and putting his feet on the table. "Where do get this crap, Kinneas?"

"It's not crap, _Almasy_," Irvine retorted. "It's the Bro Code."

"The bro what?" Squall echoed incredulously.

"The Bro Code," Irvine repeated proudly.

-x-  
**(Bro Code Article #1: Bros Before Hoes)**

First of all, before I forget, the reason behind the whole "Laguna Rocks" thing is thanks to a fun little piece of trivia! In Japanese, the Ragnarok is written as Ra-gu-na-ro-ku in Katakana, and Laguna in Japanese is Ra-gu-na. They share the same first three characters, which is why after you get the Ragnarok and you meet up with Laguna in Esthar, he says, "I've always wanted to hold a meeting on there! Plus the name sounds so cool!" Or something to that effect. Gotta love Laguna.

I got the idea after watching an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" about how the Bro Code was written way back in the days of Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. It's a really great series, and you guys should seriously considering watching it! It's awesome. Anyway, Barney (Neil Patrick Harris's character, and on a completely unrelated note, I loveee NPH, haha) pulls out this really thick book and he tells them that it's "The Bro Code".

Also, I figure Irvine would totally be the type to be carrying around a book like that in his dorm.

I would love to know what you guys think. Drop me a flame-I mean, review. Or flame. Depending on if you enjoyed it or not. But I hope you enjoyed it despite the lackluster writing.


End file.
